For children, play is powerful. Simply put, it is children’s form of work. It is how they learn about themselves, others, and the world around them. Through play, they are able to process their feelings and emotions and work through their fears. They can be creative, innovative and imaginative. Not to mention, play is where they let out some energy and develop their dexterity and physical strength. As a psychologist, play is at the heart of most of my treatment with young children. However, I love teaching parents the important role of play so that they can become their child’s own therapist. Now that’s powerful!
For some parents, playing with their child comes naturally. It is effortless and fun. But for many others, it is awkward and somewhat boring. As busy parents, we may find it difficult to be attentive and interactive with our child when we are distracted by all of the tasks that need to get done. Or we may have our own stress, sadness, and anxiety that gets in the way. And sometimes, play is so foreign we are not sure where to even start.
My first suggestion is to play in short increments with your child. Begin with 5 minutes of undivided attention. Your child will LOVE your attention even if it’s just for 5 minutes. During this time, follow your child’s lead. If you’re not sure what to say or do, simply observe what your child is doing and follow them. Imitate what they are doing and saying in a loving way. Children LOVE when adults copy them. It is the greatest form of flattery. It shows them you love and approve of them so much you want to do it, too! Now of course, be careful not to mock them or turn it into a competition.
Another key strategy on how to follow your child’s lead is to limit questions + suggestions. This sounds easy to do but it can be very challenging because we are used to giving our child directives and suggestions. We also tend to ask question even when we are not necessarily looking for an answer. For instance, our child might say something like, “Look, a doggy!” and we might respond with, “Oh yeah. You see the dog?”
While I know it usually comes from a place of love and an eagerness to teach and interact with our child, our questions can really get in the way of play. Why? Sometimes, our innocent questions may come across as though we did not understand or we disapprove with what was said (Like in the example above). Other times, it can create an unnecessary power struggle in which your child becomes upset by your question because they want to do or think about something totally different than you (Example: Saying, “Don’t you want to play with this?).
Sometimes what happens is we turn a fun play session into the classroom by asking questions in order to test our child’s knowledge. I’m guilty of this and have to catch myself doing this all the time so no judgement! Us parents are eager to teach our children but sometimes this can be stressful for our young child who just wants to have fun. When we ask questions like, “What color is this block?” we are creating a test for our children, which can be stressful for them and lead to tension during play. Instead, just say the color of the block. Oftentimes they will repeat the color, which is a great time to praise them for their knowledge. Here are some more suggestions on how to avoid asking questions.
- Reflect back what they said.
- Child: “Look, a doggy!”
- Parent: “Yes, you see a dog!”
- Describe what your child is doing instead of asking them what they will do
- Child looks at two toys indecisively.
- Parent: Instead of “Which one do you want to play with first?” Try “You’re looking at both toys trying to decide which one to play with first.” That way you make them aware of what they are doing in the moment. You are also giving them time to make a decision without the pressure of having to make a decision and respond to your question.
So here’s your homework. Take 5 minutes out of your day to intentionally get down on the floor and play with your young child. Try to notice when you ask questions or make suggestions and gently correct yourself. Then observe your child’s response. It might surprise you!
Thanks for reading!
